


hair dye to the brain

by shownus



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Nakamoto Yuta Has Long Hair, Nakamoto Yuta is a Little Shit, Pink Hair!!!, Swimmer Kim Dongyoung, emo nakamoto yuta, i love the ending pls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25818805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shownus/pseuds/shownus
Summary: the boys make a bet.if yuta can't dye his hair pink in a week or less, doyoung's his new boyfriend.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 5
Kudos: 59





	hair dye to the brain

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is third person, but includes diary entries from our angsty teen yuta! these entries only hold what yuta decides to write down or include.
> 
> this time i'm supplying yuta's playlist! including some j-indie/rock, electropop, pop punk, and more!  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6lOxSQxFH4pk1EkvvONavj?si=qqK6SHkFQdG0jzk0UmwJCw

five minutes late and yuta doesn't have time to eat breakfast or straighten his hair the way he likes it. 

"やばい!” brush your hair yuta! looks like a bird has been living in it." his mom's fingers try to comb through his hair, but get caught in the knots, yanking his head sideways before slipping out. he would've smacked the hand away before she even had the chance to dive her fingers through- but he's bent over tying his shoelaces and can't afford being any more late.

✱

yuta is failing chemistry. "i read the notes and study or whatever." he tells the girl sitting in front of him. he's been talking to her since day one, but they forgot to introduce themselves and now he's in way too deep to ask what her name is.

she just shrugs and ruffles her bangs. "don't worry. people who pass chem are nerds anyway." she pops her bubblegum and bounces her brows at the seat next to yuta before turning back to the front of the class.

"so, i'm a nerd?" jeno scratches under the nose piece of his glasses "but i have a seventy-two?" he shakes his head. "i don't know, guess so. you're smart enough for me to cheat off of you, and if that makes you a nerd, then so be it. i like you as a nerd." yuta smiles at him and jeno smiles back. 

"can you go over how to convert molecules to liters in stoichiometry again?" jaemin raises a hand from behind yuta.

"jaemin, for once in your life just take your prescribed adderall and stop asking him to repeat the same shit over and over again." the room feels cloudy and tense before jaemin stifles a laugh, lowering his face to his lap, curling his arms around his head to keep quiet.

"oh shittt!" jeno whisper shouts. "roasted baby, thats _asado_!" his eyes disappear from behind his wire frames when he smiles, his lips parting and teeth baring cutely.

jaemin glances at the teacher, who is busy staring at jeno. "hey, you two. let's watch our volume. you wonder why the last test scores were so low? it's because of your distracting behavior. at least spare the students who wish to actually learn here. both of you can meet me after class." in a second flat, yuta's chair is three feet behind him and he's standing tall, his legs and feet clad in yellow converse and black skinny jeans.

"maybe if you actually cared enough to teach in a way people could understand," his jaw unhinges and the uncontrollable heat begins boiling under his scalp "you wouldn't have so many fucking students failing your tests."

now, the class is completely silent.

yuta blew up again.

"detention. come on nakamoto. keep your mouth closed until you learn manners or get your own teaching degree." his poisoned words smack yuta across the face from the other side of the room.

"good lord, i can smell your stank breath from here. i know you're fucking mister hong down the hall and gotta keep it on the DL from your wife, but could you ever ask him to stick his dick back in his pants for a minute so you could find the time to brush your teeth every once in a while?"

there's this deep, lingering feeling that that nudges at yuta's shoulder, like, 'whats next? you feel better now?'  
it engulfs the room, until jeno and jaemin burst into laughter, the entire rest of the room is breathing shallowly, a few murmurs escaping here and there, and yuta thinks he might have peed a little trying to hold his slowly escaping snorts in. 

"detention, detention, detention." he says, pointing at the three of them. "just get the hell out and sit quietly outside." he runs his hand over his face. 

shit like this happens often, but yuta rarely regrets it.

"sorry mister kim." jeno says, grabbing jaemin and yuta's wrists' and pulling them slowly out of the room. "joshua hong and kim mingyu? how did you know?" jaemin mutters not quietly enough as jeno opens the door. "boys?" mister kim stops them as they try to leave, his voice low and shaky.

"don't try spreading this, okay?"

yuta nods at the floor and turns to the faces of the two boys that stood frozen behind him. "move!" he says, pushing them out of the room.

✱

"HAHAHAHAHA" chenle cackles from the other side of the table.

this is his life. 

or more specifically, his calculus class.

"chenle, oh my god. shut up."

╔══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╗

**DEAR DIARY-- (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧**

i should introduce you to the worst one hour and thirty minutes of my day; calculus! that's self explanatory, right? except it's not! meet my classmates!

✬ meet me, yuta. nakamoto yuta is stubborn, and hot headed. i don't know any positives to him yet, it's been 18 years. please, god. find something good about him. his parents are close-minded jerks who don't understand his love for the color black and his little half brother is stupid, hormonal, and always on the hunt for a roblox girlfriend. his name is jisung, and he's 14. his mom is japanese and his step dad is korean. yuta likes to bullet journal, as seen, here. and everywhere. because this is my journal. come on, catch on already??!!

✬ meet zhong chenle, the loudest.  
chenle is 16, he's a delicate, sweet little angel that makes me want to explode with anger. he's in 10th grade and in calculus... and he's very aware of how smart he is.  
NEVER SHUTS UP.

✬ meet lee taeyong, the rudest.  
he's 17, but in my grade. he has a younger sister who he talked about briefly. he has said before that he has her phone number blocked even though they share a bedroom. i think he makes music on soundcloud. it's a little cringe. fairly quiet until chenle breeches his personal space.  
"that's what she said" jokes are his life source

✬ meet kim doyoung, the tallest.  
doyoung is 18 and has the supreme power over the table, after me of course. he's the swim team captain and genuinely thinks he is better than everyone. definitely the type to do the entire group project in one night and then yell at his team for not helping when it's due in a month. he has amazing grades and never tries to out-do anyone. he just DOES.  
i hate him.

╚══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╝

"it's been a hard day. a very hard day" yuta confesses to taeyong, who sits quietly, crossing over some numbers and tapping slowly into his calculator.

"that's what she said." he says lowly, a smirk pulls his top lip as he continues with his math.

"you're so creative. teach me how to be such an amazing comedian like yourself." yuta whines out sarcastically, twirling his mechanical pencil between his fingers.

"i could teach you more than comedy, baby." he leans back in his chair nonchalantly, his expression oozing with pride. 

yuta pulls taeyong's beanie over his face before he can look up. "shut up, troglodyte."

"hey!" a second voice shoots into yuta's ear. "don't lean over the table like that." doyoung starts, his eyes rolling when yuta shifts his attention to him.

"doyoung, seriously? stop being such a baby, my leg barely even touched yours." he brings his foot back to his seat and lets it swing into his shin like one of those swinging viking boats at amusement parks. "and i thought swimmers shaved!" he exasperated.

"you almost kneed my dick, yuta!"  
taeyong's pencil tip breaks under the pressure. suddenly doyoung shifts, scooting his chair back up a little. taeyong tuts a little from annoyance and stands, making his way to the electrical pencil sharpener.

yuta lets his twinkling eyes trail down from doyoung's face back to his worksheet. under his breath so taeyong won't hear, he whispers in doyoung's direction. "please, if you'd just keep your **dICK TO YOURSELF—** " as he leans over, his head is yanked back and he chokes mid sentence, spewing the words at full volume to the whole class. yuta feels for his neck, pulling his jacket from his throat.

taeyong was hiding his smile suspiciously, his hands behind his back, acting like he had not just yanked on yuta's ponytail and hood in an extremely powerful combo on his way back from the pencil sharpener. "fatality." he announces.

"taeyong." his hand flies up, flat and ready to smack him, but taeyong swerves fast to avoid yuta's slap, and he misses. yuta sighs, grabbing the hair tie from between his loose fingers. "i should beat your ass." he mumbles out, barely audibly over chenle's giddy laughter. "what the hell, you broke it?" yuta can't help but melt in his seat, fumbling the stretchy broken band between his palms. now it's a really, really bad hair day.

taeyong sits back in his chair and the four are eerily quiet for a moment.

the red string now lays in the middle of the table. actually, a little closer to yuta because doyoung thought it would be funny to blow it in his direction. chenle has tied it around a cap eraser in a bow, the fraying elastic making it look like some sort of scientific, enlarged image of a bacterium. "i think we should name it richard." taeyong points with his pencil.

"why richard?" chenle smiles, oblivious to taeyong's intentions.

"dick for short." taeyong smiles at his written equations and doyoung shoots yuta a side glance.

"your dick's short." yuta cannot help himself. taeyong laughs, "wanna see?"

yuta puts his pencil down and pushes his paper away from himself. "i hate my hair," he states, running his hands over the top of his head. "it must be the source of all of my problems. long hair has become the bane of my existence." he sighs out, the boys all surprised to hear him putting himself down instead of teasing them. "i should just cut all of it off and then dye my whole head pink."

"you can't do that." doyoung plainly states.

"why? you can't stop me, you don't get to have an opinion on this." doyoung opens his mouth to speak, but is immediately cut off. "not like you're my boyfriend." yuta straightens out his back and looks him in the eye. "i'm dyeing my hair."

"you're so full of shit, yuta." doyoung chuckles before folding his hand over the back of his neck. "no way you got the balls to dye your hair pink."

"i will literally do it. pink buzzcut. i don't give a shit. my mom said i should start wearing colors other than black anyway." 

"i bet in a week exactly, your hair will still be black. you know what-" doyoung turns in his chair to face yuta head on. "if by next week, your hair is still black, then i'll really be your boyfriend for a whole month, and i'll go _everywhere_ with you, and tell you my opinion on _everything_. _everything_ you say, do, like, dislike. _everything_." his lips curl and he lets his hands dive into the pockets of his sweatpants.

"so i could go and dye my hair right now, get pink hair... and avoid dealing with you for a month?" he glances at taeyong and chenle, who are busily doing their work and ignoring them. "what do i get? money? if i just dye my hair?"

he shrugs, clicking his tongue with a nod. "sure. not like you'd really do it anyway."

yuta scoffed. "we got a deal."  
they shook on it.

✱

"detention! ooh baby! my second home!" jaemin shakes his butt as he flings open the door, waking both jeno and yuta up from their nap. "jaemin, shut up!" they yell in sync. 

"okay god damn, what's got your shorts all twisted?" he looks at jeno, sashaying over to their desks, disregarding the sour mood. "i was enjoying my nap..." jeno rubs his puffy eyes and jaemin grabs his jaw with one hand, squishing his cheeks together. jeno's words become increasingly smushed until all that's left is hushed gibberish. he blinks slowly before his face is released and jaemin hops on yuta's desk, sitting right next to his face. 

"jeno, this is your first time in detention! how goes it?" he smiles at him, waiting for a response before realizing jeno fell right back asleep, still sitting up, his neck slumped, creasing a few more chins to garnish his tired face.

"do you think i'd look good with pink hair? yuta looks up at jaemin's nose and structured jaw from below, poking his butt to get him to move. he looks down at him and turns himself to face yuta, crossing his legs on his desk. he squints, making a square with his thumbs and index fingers, framing yuta's head that rested on his arms. 

"no." he smiles, dropping his hands to his lap. yuta's face contorts, offended. "why would you care about anyone's opinion? just do it." he laughs out, checking back on jeno briefly. with him still asleep, jaemin grabs jeno's head rather forcefully between his arms in a headlock, brushing back his soft hair, coiling over his slumped body sat at the desk from behind.

"do you know kim doyoung?" yuta asks him.

his head tilts slightly to the side, one eye popping open, pretending to think. "no." he says. "is he in my grade?"

"no, he's my age... just forget it." yuta wraps his head back in his arms, chewing on his cheek as he thinks.

✱

"do you have a job?" doyoung asks, prodding at yuta's hand with the eraser of his pencil.  
"yeah." he sighs.  
"where?"  
"why is it your business?"  
"you have six days left, your hair is as black as ever."  
"a singular DAY has passed."  
"okay, and i need to know where to pick you up." of course, he waits for yuta to make some sort of reaction. 

yuta has known how much doyoung liked getting him riled up, and although he could so easily just not react, he sort of liked giving him the satisfaction. "i drove today, so, i'm fine driving there and driving home by myself." yuta shoots him a fake smile and doyoung's face stays enchantingly cheerful.

yuta gives in to his continuous staring. doyoung's smile is overly bouyant, his gums, bright and pink, gleam even harder when yuta's death glare reaches doyoung. 

"you're so gonna chicken out." he flips a page of his paper packet, sneering in a sing-songy voice. 

"just give me a minute? it's a big deal..." yuta speaks so quietly under his breath that doyoung must make a genuine effort to listen carefully. it's not like he doesn't already make note of each word yuta might say, even in passing, or to himself about a hard problem. yuta can tell he's always listening to him, waiting for his next slammer or complaint. or maybe he just has to listen close to block out chenle.

"it's a froyo place." he submits a few seconds later, refusing to make eye contact as he shifts back and forth from the board to his paper to copy notes. "i want three hundred dollars when i dye my hair."

doyoung laughs, wiping at his eyes as if he's about to start crying. "that's not happening. suggest something else."

"no, you'll make it happen like i'll make pink hair happen." 

"i'll visit you. are you working today?" he remarks snarkily, leaning back in his chair. "i don't have practice on thursdays" he drops, reminding the table of his involvement in the school's swim team.

"hehehe!! couple goals~!" chenle squeals sarcastically. yuta rolls his eyes at both remarks, scoffing as he puts his pencil down, shifting in his seat to face doyoung.

"okay, i get it. swim god kim doyoung. you can shut up about it now." 

"yeah, swim god kim doyoun-" the youngest parrots before being interrupted.

"could both of you shut the fuck up? it's not hard to flirt somewhere else." taeyong runs his hands through his hair, pulling it all back and scrunching up his forehead, his chest expanding as he finishes the sentence. 

"we're not flirting." doyoung and yuta both reply in unison. taeyong shoves out a flat hand in their direction to signal a 'there you go!'

"whatever." yuta bites his bottom lip and looks up from his paper, setting down his pencil. "actually, i got an idea. you do swim competitions right?" 

doyoung nods.

"before they do the whistle or something, i want you to bang on your chest like a gorilla and then say like…" yuta's chin drops to his chest and his voice deepens. "mmm i'm a big monkey! i like swing from tree and eat banana!" 

doyoung's jaw is hanging open and his eyes look cold and dead. 

"or pay three hundred." with a shrug, yuta is back to copying notes.

doyoung scoffs. "i don't have a job, my life is swim. i don't have three hundred dollars." 

"then i guess you're the swim team's gorilla captain." silently, yuta is smiling to himself as his pencil flies across his math sheet, and doyoung sits with his face in his hands, thinking empty thoughts.

chenle smiles to himself with a new topic ready.  
"this weekend i'm hanging out with the most popular girl in my gra-"

the bell rings and yuta glides his hands flat, sliding all of his papers to the edge of the table, shoving them into a folder, making quick note of doyoung trying to sneak his calculator into his bag.

the smack that resulted from the five second scuffle to grab the calculator echoed way too loud for yuta's liking. the class, now much quieter, is all turning to face their direction, where a big red mark was stretched upon a cheek. yuta's jaw slacked wide open, staring at the red handprint that was hastily forming on doyoung's face. taeyong's hand yanks down his wrist to yuta's side. "are you insane?" doyoung lifts his hand to his face, palming his cheek. "it was a joke!"

"you were trying to take my calculator!" yuta's face is probably more red than doyoung's at this point, his veins protruding from his neck as he yelled. 

yuta play fights with jisung all the time. they know each other's moves and patterns, always keeping it light-hearted, their giddy laughter filling the room. this time was very different. doyoung had practically leaned into yuta's palm, obviously not what he was accustomed to.

doyoung's smile of shock and disbelief has everyone's attention, his voice so loud and angry. "so you smack me? you have literally no regard for anyone but yourself. you're such a selfish bitch. imagine if you hit my eye and i couldn't swim!"

"do you ever think about anything other than swimming? and why are you pinning this on me like i did it on purpose!?"

the teacher drops a textbook onto her table, shaking the room. 

"yuta, you attacking your peers now?" yuta's eyes quiver to his stuff sprawled out on the table, where doyoung slams yuta's calculator atop the papers and flings his backpack around his shoulder. "taeyong, why don't you walk doyoung to the nurses'?" yuta hears the teacher say behind his mind of haze. for some reason, yuta's brain tells him as long as he sits still and holds his breath, no one will see him.

"i'm fine" doyoung says as he leaves the room, his sneakers squeaking into silence, and then no one else says a word. he feels hands run over his back and sees the sleeve of chenle's oversized sweater drag along the table, packing his notes up. they're both good friends with doyoung, and yuta just smacked him in front of the whole class. of course not on purpose, but— "yuta, come on. class is over. pack up." taeyong's voice whispers as the class noise begins picking up again. 

chenle zips up his bag and pulls it up from the chair, dropping it on top of the table in front of yuta. "no point." taeyong sighs out, turning around and leaving after doyoung. students start leaving and thanking the teacher, finally getting yuta to whip his head around. he shrugged his backpack on and speed walked out of the room, the little taps of chenle's quick steps following him.

"it was an accident, right?"

"of course, you bonehead." yuta bites his lip, the insult bringing him a hint of joy.

╔══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╗

**DEAR DIARY---(~￣³￣)~**

my life ages ten to thirteen was such a surreal experience. i remember making up stories in elementary school about how the unfamiliar doors in familiar hallways (the ones that were always locked, you know the ones) were actually torture chambers for the kids who put their whole mouth over the water fountain faucet...

✬at eleven i made the mistake of admitting my attraction to zach efron (specifically troy bolton) to all of my friends. i didn't realize middle school boys weren't all raised to believe that liking whoever they want was okay (how surprising!) it actually bothered them so much, they got into my neopets account and got me banned, because i was supposed to be attracted to gabriella instead.

✬i cried my way through the entirety of my twelfth year on earth, because of course, my parents split.  


✬and when i was thirteen everything was just so vibrant and felt so monumental. i look back now and the drama and emotions were not nearly as high-stakes as i thought they were at the time... but that's normal, everything seems like the end of the world until a month later.

i think i miss being thirteen a bit more than usual these days, especially my neopets account.

╚══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╝

"i'm going to be late to work, i got detention." yuta sniffles over the phone to his boss. he's sweetly situated, crouching on a toilet with an onigiri in his empty hand.

"yuta? what the hell did you do now?" she whines before brushing off the question. "how late?" 

"just an hour." he wipes his snot off on his jeans.

"get a tissue and clean yourself up. eat your lunch, you're okay. you are just fine. you backtalk teachers all the—" 

"no..!" he groaned, quickly checking under the stalls for feet. "not today. today i hit someone." 

his boss audibly gasps. "yuta!" she scolds.

"it was an accident, he had my calculator, and i was trying to grab it back; well, i was trying to smack his hand.." he drones on "he moved and i..." yuta feels his eyes well up, but he kept his hand over his mouth so his little huffs of holding back sobs could stay silent.

"no worries yuta. you have enough going on, take it one step at a time. make sure you get to apologize. i'll see you at 4:30." she hung up and he exhaled loudly, so relieved the bathroom was empty. he stood up and climbed off of the toilet, wiping his face and rinsing his eyes at the sink. he grabbed his webbed mess of earbuds from his pocket and started untangling them, holding the onigiri between his teeth, his wet lips acting as an adhesive to the seaweed wrap.

yuta plugs them in, shuffling through music quickly, he taps one of his favorite tracks and exhales. 

he peered into the bustling lunch room, a horrible feeling in his stomach rising up to his throat, making his insides flip. yuta swivels around when he sees the back of doyoung's head. turning away from the cafeteria, he drags his feet off to a random door, opening and closing it behind him. it's a large room, the lights are off, but there are racks of colorful clothing. it's the storage room for the school play. he inhales the wood stain and sits behind the navy blue velvet curtain, and punches through his juice box with the straw.

╔══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╗

**DEAR DIARY—(人 •͈ᴗ•͈)**

✬i don't have a lot of friends. it's very difficult for me to make them. i'm just no good at it, no matter how hard i try.  
✬i don't hurt people. not physically. i would never do that.

✬and i don't cry. i never cry, but now everything feels like it's falling apart. there's no one to blame but myself.

╚══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╝

yuta was barely able to eat the rest of his lunch before having to slip out of the storage room. he swears that it was the theater kids, but it was definitely not the sounds of rehearsing lines.

he made it through his other classes with his head down, which might've concerned people if yuta had more friends, or ever spoke aloud, or maybe just found joy in social interactions.

detention was quiet. actually, silent. it was just yuta and a few students he had never seen before. the janitor locked the door for the two hours and he sat, counting the minutes until he could break free and go home to cry for a bit before work.

yuta would sit on the windowsill in the classroom, watching the cars speed down the main road just a hundred yards from him, twisting at his earrings and pulling at the tips of his hair. apologizing is probably yuta's second greatest fear, after like, elevators, or those clusters of holes that give him the heebie-jeebies.

okay, so third greatest fear. he hated that feeling of admitting his mistakes.  
why can't yuta just be right for once, always and forever?

✱

the door unlocked with a click from the outside and all the students still at their desks jolted up, drool smeared on their faces. yuta skirted through the halls until he made it outside to the student parking lot, and hopped in his car to start it up,  
_grumble grumble grumble pffff_

nothing. for a second all was calm. he just stared at the wheel, his lip quivering a bit, and just as he thought he might just burst and drown the car in his tears, he screamed. 

he flailed all of his limbs, kicking the pedals and punching the wheel. furious wasn't even a word that could start describing his emotions. he squeezed his eyes shut as tight as possible and screamed again, hurting his own ears. yuta would have liked to think it was a battle cry.

 _tap tap tap._  
tap tap tap on the window.

his mouth hangs open, breathless for a moment before he snaps his jaw shut.

"hey? yuta?"

the handle clutches and yuta flings open the door, light shining briefly through his eyelids, he absolutely cannot open his eyes.  
okay, he can.  
he just really doesn't want to.

"open your dumb eyes." doyoung spurts out.

yuta peeks just barely and turns away. "what even— put some clothes on." yuta tells him, his eyes faltering back to the steering wheel.

"what are you doing?" he asks, he's obviously still very angry.

"i didn't mean to." yuta feels like he kind of has to apologize, even though it's one of the things he hates the most.

"i know. come on. you promised me froyo."

"that was for tomorrow. and i didn't promise."

"you smacked me and you're not even going to get me frozen yogurt?" his eyebrows fumble and a pitiful smile slides across his face, putting a palm out for him. yuta took it. "so where are your clothes?!" yuta laughs out, poking his ribs, making his body flinch as he pulls a shirt that laid on his duffel bag over his head. 

his hair is fluffy, like he just used a hair dryer and over-brushed it so it has that wispy look. his washed out dark blue shirt picks up some water dribbled over his chest, melting into the fabric, creating odd dark spots of water across his heart. "couldn't you've put your clothes on before talking to me?" he takes a quick glance at yuta before looking back forward, walking to his car. he pops his shoulders into a high speed shrug. he does that when people catch onto things he's not proud of.

were you just staring at my butt?  
did you cheat on that test?  
wait, you have nasty dreams about me?  
did you get that job because of your looks?  
are taeyong and chenle really your friends?  
did you drunk text me?  
were you really drunk?  
did you tell her you have a six pack?  
did you ask her to feel it?

"you just wanted me to see you without a shirt on?"  
yuta hoists his backpack further on his back and watches doyoung's shoulders to see if he does it. doyoung slides his fingers under the bag and pulls the straps off of yuta's shoulders, carrying yuta's bag with one arm.  
then, there it is. the shrug. "you're too cocky." he exhales, making side eyes to doyoung's flexed forearm where he's gripped the backpack. once they begin nearing his car, doyoung tosses it into the opened trunk.  
"get in." he motions.

"i need to put my work shirt on." yuta informs him, making him roll his eyes. "why didn't you do it in the school?" doyoung is leaning against the open car door with his arms folded over each other. yuta pulls the shirt from his bag and sticks it under his arm, taking a step back so he could shut the trunk. "i normally do it in my car," yuta starts as he opens the passenger door. "do it. i won't look." he smiles, gesturing for him to take a seat.

╔══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╗

**DEAR DIARY—(◠‿・)—☆**

✬saying sorry isn't very effective, nor is it fun.  
although... if the sorry comes with a side of taro frozen yogurt and popping boba...

╚══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╝

_tap tap tap_  
"in the student parking lot?  
are you kidding me?"

their calculus teacher mouths through the slightly tinted windows, making doyoung's hidden head perk up to the noise. 

"oh, and kim doyoung.  
is this how teenagers work things out nowadays?"

"yuta?" doyoung questions in a tone neither have heard before, making yuta force his head through the shirt. he crosses his arms and clicks the lock on the door.

"this is a school.  
there are children here!"

doyoung, the deity, is biting his lip nervously, running a finger across his forehead to guide a ruffle of feathery hair behind his ear. 

"is this some kind of SICK FETISH?!"

"run her over, oh my god." yuta murmurs out, refusing to make eye contact with either one as he stretched a hair tie around a tuft of hair to pull it into a ponytail.

"why were you watching, you… you... freak?"  
doyoung snaps back, being probably the first time he had ever yelled at staff. the teacher's eyes widen, and she takes quick glances from side to side, tilting her back away from the window and standing up straight. doyoung seems surprised at himself. yuta leans over to twist the key in the ignition, triggering the swim team captain beside him to step on the gas and veer from the parking space.

"and bump me a letter grade!" yuta flings his upper body to yell out the window while the vehicle slips by staff cars, his palms squeaking along the passenger door, using friction to hold him up.

he leans back into the car, dropping himself onto the seat with a thump and a broad smile. yuta checks the kid next to him, still dribbles of shower water falling down his temples in pulsating streams, he's smiling too— and yuta's heart does a thing he doesn't feel proud of.

╔══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╗

**DEAR DIARY—(◍•ᴗ•◍)**

✬i was accused today of having sex  
✬with kim doyoung. in his car.  
✬by our calculus teacher. and now she might bump me a grade ;)

p.s: i know i can't sit here in the dark and stew in my negativity for much longer. i've been inside for so long that i think days like this that seem like failures to others are just wonderful, wonderful, wonderful gifts to me.

╚══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╝

doyoung hopped on his toes as he threw his empty froyo cup into the trash, making his own 'swoosh' sound effect before turning and bowing to the security camera yuta watched him through. "well done." he clapped slowly as he leaned over the cash register. "now get out, i have real customers to attend to." he laughed at yuta's sudden harshness, skipping and twirling down the store to reach him. he dropped his elbows on the counter and stuck out his bottom lip. "oh god," yuta managed to murmur out before he spoke. "do you perhaps have a tip jar mister nakamoto?"

"no," yuta shook his head. "i'm not letting you pay me, you will definitely use it against me somehow, i'm sure of it." doyoung sighed and stood up straight. "whaaat, you don't trust me?"  
"i certainly do not." yuta turns and pushes the kitchen door open, grabbing a bag of m&ms from the shelf. "i called my mom about my car so they're gonna have to tow it. it'll probably be fixed before tomorrow morning, but, doesn't that just suck?"

"mhm!" doyoung's hum is a little stressed, high pitch. when he comes back out, maybe five seconds later, doyoung is belly-down on the granite counter, only a few fingers wrapped around the whipped cream can.

"oh." he squeaks as yuta drops the bag of candy next to him. "what do we have here?" he squats down in front of his face and pries his slender fingers off of the can of cream, pulling it to his chest, having to rebalance himself after stumbling back a little.

"i was going to hide.. behind the door... and spray whipped cream on you... when you came out." yuta dramatically gasps and furrows his eyebrows.

"doyoung! this is my job, i am working, this is serious." he drops his voice and the cute and mischievous smile slides off doyoung's face. yuta's fingers tighten around the whipped cream.

"i didn't know you could smile. or enjoy life even." doyoung's words hurt more than expected. yuta scoffs into a forced smile.

"is this what this is? you did this because you thought you could change me or something? i do enjoy life. i just enjoy it differently."

"oh my god, you're right. i'm so—"  
the can hisses as yuta cuts him off.

he filled his mouth with whipped cream, being sure not to hold the can at the right angle, making the spray louder and slightly messier. "and to think i felt sorry for you!!" he laughs as he grabs yuta by the uniform and swipes a dollop from his face, smearing it over his cheek. "get off of me, freak!" yuta squeals, pushing against doyoung's face and his arms (stronger than they appear physically) as they grapple around yuta's small waist, holding for dear life as he tried to hop the counter.

the little bell chimed in front of the store, doyoung and yuta's bodies' freeze, both sets of eyes shifting to the security cameras, watching as some familiar faces walked in.

yuta locked onto the 3 unsuspecting people through the security camera, unsure of what to do. "you know them?" doyoung whispered, starting to release yuta's waist and lean back from the counter to see them. yuta grabbed one of his long arms to pull him forward and look him in the eyes.

"i don't know you. just wait in the bathroom."

"YUTA!! HAS!! A BOY!!! BEHIND!! THE! COUNTER!!!" jisung screams as he spots yuta and his tightened grip on doyoung's wrist. "oops" doyoung's voice melts, a warm smile forms and his eyes sparkle and soften— glimmering with mischief. his free hand glides over yuta's own, patting for him to let go.

yuta's parents' heads poke out one at a time from around the corner, and yuta waves back at their puzzled faces, blood rushing to his cheeks.

"is this mr. kim doyoung?" yuta hears his mom question as she takes light steps towards them. 

"mr. kim doyoung?" doyoung questions, whispering to him as jisung starts rambling about how yuta never talks to anyone besides jaemin and jeno and how jisung is almost taller than both of them. out of the corner of yuta's eye, he can see both his family moving quickly towards him and doyoung as he swallows a mouthful of whipped cream, wiping his face on his shirt. 

"i know a lot about kim doyoung the swimmer from the little book yuta keeps on his bedside ta—" 

yuta's eyes bulge out at his blabmouth of a brother and his shoulders lock as doyoung grabs him to hold yuta back from bitch-slapping jisung.  
"DUDE!! SHUT UP!" he grunts, his father feeling over his stubble while browsing the toppings, blissfully ignorant. 

yuta has learned over the years that it becomes a 'parent thing' to ignore chaos.

then not five minutes later, yuta's family is gone and he is stuck wiping off the yogurt machines as doyoung giggles behind him.

"do you have a diary? a little book where you talk about your crush on me and all that ooey-gooey stuff?" doyoung splurges, as if he had no way to contain his excitement over the news. yuta sighs before wiping lychee flavored frozen yogurt from the tutting machine. "do you know what death note is?" the blue rag slapped along the metal. "like, the anime?" doyoung leaned against the wall across from the machines. 

"first up, it was a manga first. second up, my book- it's like that."

✱

hours pass and yuta's shift is over. it's not that bad hanging around with doyoung. he's kinda funny, to a certain extent. his cockiness is weirdly entertaining, and he seems to really enjoy spending time with yuta, which not many people would admit to. doyoung even invited him to come watch him perform at nationals this thursday, and yuta guesses he can't talk himself out of watching a fit boy swim well.

then he drives yuta home too.

they are in the car and he turns on the radio, the volume is low and the air is nice and cool, and he pushes a finger to roll down the window in the passenger seat. "yuta." doyoung clears his throat and it sort of startles the both of them. "i...i...i kinda want to..." yuta keeps his face open to the dark sky and lets the cool air give his arms goosebumps. "if you ever want to, like, do something like.." yuta gives him a small glance, before turning his head to face out to the window again. "after nationals, or something... i dunno." he glides his thumb along the steering wheel anxiously. this side of doyoung is so weird. it's nervous and hesitant and seeing doyoung so weak, and honestly awkward, reminds yuta that he's human too.

yuta bites his lip to hide a smile and grabs the dial on the stereo to crank it up a bit louder. doyoung's lips droop at the corners and his eyes stay fixed to the brake lights of the car in front of him, running his thumb along the wheel to make a slight squeak as his foot eases the brake pedal to a full stop. the song on the radio isn't really yuta's taste, but he appreciates the song in the moment nonetheless, and is silent until the radio fades into a commercial break.

yuta exhales out a happy sigh and pulls doyoung's hand from the wheel. "okay, sure." he twists his fingers around doyoung's and their hands stay intertwined between the two seats the whole way home. even with the radio on, and the wind smacking against yuta at a deafening volume, at that moment, even now, he thought he might've been able to hear the stars celebrating.

✱

"tomorrow's friday!!" jaemin yells through the language hallway before fitting his lips around the green straw protruding from his coffee cup.

a girl down the hall peeks from a spanish room, kicking out the door stopper before mumbling something about putos ruidos. 

jeno gives her a look, and jaemin, who is of course taking french, shoots a wink and an "hola to you to too!"

"any plans for tomorrow?" jeno shoots a smile to them, jaemin shakes his head as he takes another sip of his drink. "yuta?" they both perk up like those little meerkats in wildlife documentaries. yuta blushes and fans his face theatrically.

"well, my little wenches, i'm actually watching doyoung swim at nationals today."

"really...?" jaemin quickly grows a conspicuous smile. "guess it'll just be jeno and me!"  
barging in as if to save his own life, jeno calls out and firmly pokes jaemin's chest. "no, he said today! do you happen to have plans tomorrow too, yuta?" jaemin gives him a side-glance and sticks out his bottom lip as a silent plea. 

"n-yesshhh..." yuta managed to drawl out, starting slow and speeding up until all his words come all too fast, trying to solidify a silly lie to score jaemin a date night. yuta thinks he goes in too deep and his story must be getting really crazy, because jaemin is giving these big eyes with a furrowed brow and is gritting his teeth threateningly. yuta mentions something about his family being removed from the country on secret federal business and his plans on making kim doyoung his 'personal bitch' to enact justice once again against the government and fight his way to the top and bring his family back. 

yuta finishes his fairytale with a smooth ending just to really seal the deal: "i also need to study for chemistry, you know." yuta crosses his arms and leans his weight on one hip. it was messy along the way, but yuta is sure it had a solid conclusion, but instead of looking amused, both boys look terrified. "guys it's a joke." he faces them straightforward and grabs one of each of their shoulders. "i just really need to study." he gives jaemin a little shake just as he lifts a finger and points behind yuta.

"you don't have to tell them it's a joke, c'mon." yuta can hear doyoung smile from behind him, and suddenly he feels so small. the boys shrink in unison as yuta turns to be the last of the three to face him.

"we do actually have plans for friday. where i will be his personal bodyguard." 

jaemin snorts into his sleeve and jeno is fighting back a smile as well. "actually, he said personal bitch, not bodyguard." yuta thinks he can hear doyoung's confidence seeping out from his ears, kind of like when you pinch the hole of a balloon and just slowly pull to release air. that sound. yuta can't help but laugh. doyoung fights off his rosy cheeks and puffs his chest some, "personal bitch is even better. now i'm pretty excited for friday. yuta, aren't you?"

jaemin begins violently coughing into his elbow and jeno's smile slides off his face. "totally..." yuta replies with, stoically.

✱

his few classes fly by and soon enough he's home, belly up on his phone, sprawled over his unmade bed to pass time before going to meet jisung at his bus stop. he orders the hair bleach and pink dye online, taking a screenshot and texting it to doyoung. two day delivery is enough time, right?

yuta leaves a bit earlier than usual so he can be a good big brother, for once, and pick up an icecream bar for him at the convenience store on the way.

╔══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╗

**DEAR DIARY—(✿^‿^)**

i know it's not much, but ever since becoming a senior and having all sorts of college talk and life planning getting shoved in my face... i kind of started getting sentimental. i'm half worried half excited to leave my home and family behind. i wonder what jisung will grow up to be like while i'm not around.

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yuta gets to his bus stop just as the last little punk hops off the stairs, hoisting up her backpack onto her shoulders before sprinting off in the direction of her home. yuta kind of stands idly as the bus doors close with no trace of his brother. he's always the last one to get off because he sits in the back with the cool kids who swear loudly. he's holding the icecream out a few inches from his chest as a few other boys zoom around yuta to race home.

where's jisung?

✱

"today's thursday, he doesn't have basketball practice on thursdays." yuta tells himself as he scans through his thoughts. maybe he went home with a friend and didn't tell mom. he pulls his phone from his back pocket, waking it to see a missed call from his mom. 

yuta calls jisung, and to his surprise, his mom answers. "where are you?" he scolds as the icecream begins to dribble down his wrist. 

"yuta! hey, i've told you this before. do not ignore your calls. if your mother is calling, you pick up. didn't you listen to my voicemail? i said you need to come to the hospital. your brother is suddenly very sick." the angry-mom japanese startles yuta, who was only prepared for the prepubescent-boy korean jisung spoke. 

"what? mom. he's not sick. come on!! he's lying." yuta replies in korean, beginning to feel his face heat up. jisung always does this- faking being sick to get out of school. yuta is no stranger to faking illness, and he's normally chill about skipping, but yuta drives himself home when he does do it. making their mom leave her work to come pick jisung up… yuta hated that.

"he's throwing up! the nurse put a tube up his nose! you think he would fake that? you need to come stay here with him. i can't miss any more work." 

"what?" yuta's feet start moving as he feels his heart rate rise. his mom hangs up in a fit and yuta starts sprinting back home. 

the empty key rack makes his stomach turn uneasily, and the concept of biking to the hospital begins to drain the minuscule amount of energy left in his body. 

"jisung, please be faking it." yuta whispered to himself.

✱

as yuta pedaled with all his might, he felt his phone begin buzzing against his stomach. stopping at the intersection to slip it from his jacket pocket to his hand, yuta blinked hard at the caller ID. "aw, fuck."

"hey, are you home? i was going to pick you up on my way." doyoung's voice quivers slightly, his nerves reaching his throat. 

"i'm so sorry, my brother is in the hospital and i don't know enough right now, but i have to go see him." the voice on the line goes quiet for a moment and he stutters a little.

"hospital?"

after yuta can finally assess the situation out loud, he feels his eyes begin to water. "yeah i'm getting more and more worried" his voice cracks a bit.  
"kim doyoung." yuta breathes out.  
"you can do it. i'm here for you. swim fast." 

he hangs up before doyoung can say anything else.

✱

yuta's mom's eyes are freaky. they're all sad looking and it makes his stomach churn with guilt. "i have to go. okay. i love you both." she kisses jisung's forehead and squeezes yuta's shoulder before leaving the room.

jisung has really never been sick. he's practically invincible. there's even a family story that he used to eat the family cat's poop from the litter box and their dad would call them 'Brown Crunchies' because of the kitty litter. it's probably fake, but it never stopped yuta from still teasing him for it. everytime jisung says he is sick, he is so obviously faking, even if only yuta can tell. although his love for being evil is one of the only reasons yuta can properly get up in the morning, he can't help but give jisung a little slack when it comes to skipping school. he guesses everyone has bad days and deserves breaks. it's the one thing yuta will give sympathy for.

jisung actually has a tube up his nose and his eyes are barely open. yuta fumbles around with his fingers, trying to think of what to say or do.

"do you know how long i've had to sneeze for?" a nasally voice plagues the compact room and jisung smiles. "oh my god your voiceee!!" yuta snorts and jisung frowns. "what even happened?" yuta's laughing halts soon after he watches jisung struggle to swallow. 

"i don't know. just started throwing up." he points to a water bottle that's just out of his reach. "you never get sick." yuta informs him, grabbing the bottle and screwing off the cap. jisung's outstretched arm quivers a bit and his fingers dance, beckoning for the bottle. yuta takes a sip of the water with a smirk and jisung starts to seriously pout. he gives his little brother the water and jisung takes a slow gulp. 

"shut the door and i'll tell you the real story." jisung extends his arm back out, motioning for his big brother to take the bottle back from him. a smile spreads on yuta's face excitedly as he spins to body slam the door shut, ignoring jisung's struggle.

"it all started in physical science." he starts, and yuta winces, already being able to tell where the story was heading. "you did NOT!" yuta yelled at him, holding a hand over his mouth. "yeah" he laughed, his eyes crinkling up as he glanced to the trash bin next to him. "i took a good swig of our experiment..." 

their laughs echo in the small room and jisung rocks slightly in the bed, scooching himself up. "so, i got out of writing the timed essay in literature."

✱

the car sits in yuta's driveway for 3 minutes and 49 seconds. doyoung's foot pressing on the brake as he thinks about gold medals and whipped cream. massive scholarships and pink hair. 

✱

there's a knock on the door and jisung and yuta swivel their heads to the sound before darting their attention back to each other.

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**DEAR DIARY—(๑´•.̫ • `๑)**

✬gold medals are more important than whipped cream.  
✬massive scholarships are more important than pink hair.  
✬writing an essay is simply more pleasant than getting your stomach pumped.

✬some people are stupid!

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"better be the swimmer guy you like." jisung retorts upon seeing yuta shrug.

"he's actually swimming in the national competition right now, so no, it's probably one of your friends." he snarls before pulling the lid off of his pudding cup, much to his dismay. "my friends already showed and gave me the money," he elaborates. 

"it was a BET?" yuta grabs the spoon from his hand and sticks it in the cup. 

"okay~ i'll just let myself in then!!~"  
the honey-sweet voice steers itself to their sibling bickerings, silence enveloped the room when the lean teenager with a bouquet of pretty white flowers slipped through the door. yuta's mouth is slightly agape and jisung punches his arm. "i fucking told you."

"language!" yuta yelps at the sudden attack without daring to break eye contact with doyoung. "why are you here? what about your competition..?"

he shakes his head to fix his hair as he steps further into the room, prompting yuta to stand to take the flowers from doyoung's hands. he's thanking and reprimanding him for their appearance before doyoung can interrupt. "they're for him, actually." his cheeks seem to turn a little pinkish and yuta scoffs into a smile, his eyes shifting along horizontally. 

"i think i prefer you over a big pool and screaming parents." he smiles a little and rocks between his left and right foot. yuta's fingers dance against his thigh, longing to drag a finger or two along doyoung's pink cheeks. the obvious vulnerability engulfing kim doyoung in his entirety is almost unreal.

"so. you like my step-brother?" jisung recoils deeper into his bed. doyoung's eyebrows dart up in surprise. yuta flips around to shove a spoonful of pudding into his big mouth. 

"i'm actually here to see if you're okay." yuta's heart swells a little at his kindness, which seems so foreign from what he was used to. almost too foreign.  
"i.. barely know you." jisung's eyebrows drop as he pulls the spoon from his mouth. "okay. then i'm here for your brother." doyoung rolls his eyes before shooting yuta a quick glance.

"so, you like him?" jisung repeats breathily and doyoung's shoulders shoot up and down quickly in a fast shrug. 

there are fireworks.

"shut up you asswad." yuta yanks on jisung's ear and jisung's arms start circling big like wind turbines, smacking yuta relentlessly, his eyes closed tight. "you're so immature!" yuta's hands are thrashing frantically, trying to grab at his little brother. "you're so sad! like to look at!" jisung laughs loud, but that kind of hurt. 

"what? what does that even mean?" yuta's voice is quieter than it was before and doyoung, being the youngest in his own family, is standing by the door in utter shock at the site. he was not like this with his big sister.

"you're just hard to look at!" jisung's teeth are bright, his skin shines even with a tube up his nose, he's smiling. he just thinks it's all funny. sometimes, kids are just insensitive like that.

"welcome to getting older!" yuta shouts, his left arm finally gripping jisung's right, squeezing his wrist until yuta's sure it's hurting him.

"well, HE doesn't look like you." jisung points to doyoung with a finger stemming from the hand yuta's got a hold on. yuta's face really sulks, he feels like putty as he glances back at doyoung. "he's got stuff going for him. that's the difference." the AC kicks on in the moment of quiet that follows yuta's last statement. "you have stuff going on." his eyes falter to anywhere besides doyoung. "i ruined your chance at a huge scholarship." things like this never meant much to yuta, he thought sports were a stupid and sorry excuse for your energy. (if you preserved it long enough, you could stay up playing games deep into the morning, and still function decently on less sleep!) but, even if it was stupid, he knew it meant a lot to doyoung. maybe before, part of the reason why it was so stupid was because it meant so much to him, but now- everything was different. somehow now it mattered more.

"this was my decision, i chose to come here." doyoung's voice is suddenly so serious despite his eyes prickling with sorrow. he was thinking about it now. who he was letting down, what he was giving up, wasn't he?

"you have things going for you. you have perfect grades and you're in clubs and extracurriculars. you know what you're doing."

"i have NO idea what i'm doing." he shouts back at yuta. 

jisung's face is crumpled uncomfortably. "do you guys have to do this in here?"

insensitive.

yuta, with his lips folded inside his mouth, gives jisung a look with trembling eyebrows. he releases his wrist, shoving it back at him. leaving the room as composed as he possibly could, considering he was on the brink of a meltdown.

╔══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╗

**DEAR DIARY---♡(ӦｖӦ｡)**

why does it seem like EVERYBODY has their shit figured out but me? i've just played it too safe, haven't i? what happened to the time when i was just a kid, and was stupidly happy 24/7? and how do i get him back? it's not like i don't want to move on with life, but i feel like everything is going so fast. i have motion sickness.

╚══✬✩══╡˚✧✬✧˚╞══✩✬═══╝

"yuta."

the voice is like sudden clarity, but then not at all. it's all mushy in his brain. a month ago, yuta would have felt zero indifference to causing doyoung to lose his chance at a scholarship. lose his chance at winning the national swimming championship with his team. why was everything suddenly so murky?

the door catches before it can close completely. doyoung's fingers curl around the handle and he shuts it quietly behind him. the hospital gives yuta this unnerving vibe, death and sickness trying to smother him. doyoung's hand makes no attempt at being hesitant as he grabs yuta's wrist, dragging it along behind him. yuta's feet just move to stay balanced, his steps are accidental stomps, it's the heaviness of the world weighing on his shoulders. "you know, i know how to get around this place like it's the back of my hand." he says it with the connotation that it's the beginning of a long story. yuta trades glances with doyoung's side profile as he navigates, and the fingers gripped around his wrist. "i swim because my sister can't." his words drift into the atmosphere, they're floating on the surface of the deep end.

he leads them through the winding hallways until he opens a door to the stairwell, it's much colder inside, but doyoung's grip is safe and warm.

"she got so sick one day." he hums a little before speaking again. "so sick, she had to drop swimming. it was her favorite thing in the world. suddenly, gone." they take steps together, yuta following, two steps behind. "it was an auto-immune disease. super rare. she was just fifteen. i was twelve." the stairs are never-ending, as soon as they reach one landing, there's just another around the corner. yuta is completely winded, but doesn't want to interrupt doyoung, so he keeps quiet.

doyoung pauses on one of the steps, turning to yuta, he's not angry or sad, it's like he's reading from a textbook. "there was no cure for it. she's wheelchair bound for life." yuta's heart stops.  
“suddenly, my dad was taking me to sports stores to get swim goggles. my mom signing me up for swimming lessons at the athletic center.”

"one night, i was maybe, fourteen, fifteen? and my mom and i were at the community pool, and i kept messing up. i couldn't dive right. i swore i was doing it right, but my mom kept telling me it wasn't clean enough. that my head was too high or low, my arms were too straight or too curved…" they meet at the final landing, and doyoung's fingers slip from yuta's wrist to between his fingers. 

"i was cowered over the edge of the pool, the moon was reflecting back at me, my face there, watching me. i’m mesmerized. i can barely even hear her scolding me at this point." doyoung's eyes are glossy as he remembers, the color draining of his face as yuta listens with parted lips. "suddenly, her fingers around my neck, and i was underwater." he opens the door to the roof. the cold air hits them suddenly, now standing next to each other, doyoung guides yuta instead of pulling him along. they sit beside each other, resting on a ledge of cement a few feet from the precipitous edge of the hospital roof.

"she had her hand around the back of my neck. behind me, she was shoving my head in and then pulling me out of the water. again and again." doyoung's eyes are drooping, infact, his whole face is drooping with a look of exhaustion. it's like he's back there again, fourteen at the pool's edge. tired and confused. 

the skyline is gorgeous. it's not as bright as it could be, maybe once it gets darker out, and all the lights turn out. the tall buildings are all that they can see. there is ultimately too much, and too little all at once. yuta wanted to react appropriately, and had decided that no reaction was the best reaction.

"i was just on the edge of the pool, i remember the concrete ripping up the whole bottoms of my feet as i tried hanging on… my head was so heavy, i was breathless. half of the time, when i tried to grab a mouthful of air, i ended up swallowing more water. what was i hanging on for? why was i scared of just letting go?"

yuta was staring at doyoung, his silhouette forefronting the city behind him, the sun was setting fast.

"so i let go." doyoung exhales, he says it so matter-of-factly, just looking out at the lights surrounding him.

"what happened next?" it's the first words yuta has said since they left jisung's room.

"then i was underwater for a looong time... felt the pressure on my shoulders lift, my head felt clear, the bottoms of my feet were clean of blood and dirt."

"that's when i felt it as an escape. and it stayed just that for a long time. another dimension where time was slowed and loud noises were muffled." doyoung's head drops to his knees, his arms wrapped up around his head, letting go of yuta's hand as he adjusted his body. 

"the closest i can get to feeling that way out of the pool, was by doing this." his head is burrowed between his knees, his back hunching. "but it's not even remotely close." his head rises back out slowly, his hands falling down to his sides.

"humans weren't made to breathe underwater for a reason. i wasn't meant to hide from everything." his head flicks to the side, picking up yuta's hand again from where he'd left it. "i only realized once i met you how much i needed to breathe. to reach up for the surface and feel the air against my wet skin. you showed me life was meant for those who really live. ones who can cry and be mad, and… and laugh all the same."

yuta waits for a moment before responding. just making sure doyoung is finished.  
"thank you for telling me." it's vague, but it's what feels right for him to say in the moment, and he just hopes it feels just as right to doyoung. he guesses that's the hard part about not being a mind reader. he leans into him, their sides pressed close, and doyoung lets his head fall onto yuta's shoulder.

"i would never in a million years expect to find someone who loves the parts about me that i hate the most."

"isn't that kind of the point?" doyoung talks out of the side of his mouth, his words brush against yuta's neck.

"what do you mean?"

"finding someone who cares about you. their job is to love your flaws for you. but, i would barely call speaking your mind a flaw."

yuta smiles. it's soft and kind, and doyoung can't see it because of their positioning, but he smiles anyway. for a long time, yuta smiled for others, to tell people that he was happy without having to explain it. this time, it was all for himself.

"maybe i only said i was going to dye my hair to avoid internal stuff." 

doyoung nuzzles his head further into him, sighing against his neck. "i don't know. sometimes change is good when you're lost. it's a new perspective." it's a little muffled, but yuta can hear him fine. this is the closest he's been to another human, he thinks. maybe physically and emotionally. 

"it won't change the life decisions i'll still have to make, even with pink hair."

doyoung sits up, the warmth suddenly leaving yuta's side. he feels vacant. "it's not my decision because… it's not my hair, but… i think changes like that are good. i didn't think that a week ago, but i think like that now. none of your problems or responsibilities will change, but maybe your outlook on them will. you've always lived so free, and i think you should continue like that. don't think because we are becoming adults, that we have to suddenly change the way we think about things and make decisions. we don't have to fit the boring, average adult mold." he shakes his head, his eyes worrisome. "i don't want us too." 

the city is really all lit up now, flashing signs of neon and cars sat in the streets, puttering amidst the thick traffic. the moon is rising ominously, and it's cool white light reflects off of their skin. yuta slips his arms around his legs, pulling his knees to his chest. he looks down at the city below and then back to doyoung. he's leaned back now, arms outstretched behind him, his eyes twinkling in the moon's presence. 

"i think i'll do it. if i have to make a bunch of scary life choices, at least i'll be a badass and make them with pink hair." yuta and doyoung laugh a little and yuta's fingers find their way to doyoung's, intertwining loosely. "i always knew you were smart, but never this smart. not smart in the ways that mattered, but then here you are." doyoung scoffs playfully, his face drifting from yuta's to the sky. "you've been through a lot, it's shaped you into a wonderful person. i feel like a jerk for all this time i sat in that chair in math thinking you were two-dimensional." his chin is sat in his palm, thinking.

"none of us know what we want. maybe some of us do, but most of us don't. we're so young, but expected to decide how we live the rest of our lives." he hides his shy smile. "i don't know exactly what i want yet, but i know," he stutters over a word before laughing dumbly in embarrassment. yuta smiles with him, giving him a nod to keep going. "i don't know what i want, but i know i like being with you." 

"that's what i'm sure of."  
he holds eye contact for just a second before his head falls, and he groans. yuta runs his fingers through doyoung's hair, concern sliding across his face. "i messed it up. i swear it sounded so good in my head." doyoung pulls back from yuta's touch and the younger can't help but laugh. "why are you laughing? that was embarrassing!" 

"no, it wasn't embarrassing, it was perfect! you did a very good job!" yuta laughs out, his finger pulling down on the belt loop of doyoung's jeans as he tried to get away.

"don't patronize me!" the sentence is as stern as doyoung can make it without smiling, and when he glances back at yuta for moment, leaning down to pry his fingers off of him, a pair of lips smush a kiss most abruptly against his cheek.

for a second, doyoung's body melts. his eyes soften and his heart beats faster and his lungs can't get enough air and his legs feel weak and his face feels tingly and his brain goes 'Yuta Yuta Yuta!', but his mouth says "ew, gross!"

"oh, don't lie!" yuta roars, smacking at the air behind doyoung, who's just out of reach in their game of chase. doyoung is yelling and every few seconds he has to double over, pretending to be out of breath so yuta can catch up and smash his lips against doyoung again. 

"if i tell you i like you, will you stop chasing me?" 

yuta's out of breath, his words are tight in his chest, and come out between gasps.  
"no, then it's forced, don't just say it if you don't mean it." 

"i do mean it." doyoung eases up when he hears the tired stomping of yuta's feet slow to a full stop. 

"say it." it's breathless when it slips from yuta's mouth. they're facing each other head on, a few feet separate. their chests are heaving and it's silent besides the city noise below and their deep exhales.

"no, you." doyoung smiles, pointing a weak finger up at him before dropping back to his knees. 

"i like you!" yuta shouts, his eyes widening. running to the building's edge, cupping his mouth and saying it again, louder. "i like you!" there's just a second of eye contact before doyoung is sprinting to the other side of the rooftop.

"i like you, nakamoto yuta!" doyoung screams off the building, parallel to the teen that glowed with joy across from him. "i like you soooo much!" his hands drop to his sides and doyoung peers over his shoulder. their eyes lock, chests heaving, and soon their feet are racing themselves right into each other's arms. although so closely intertwined and tangled, so smothered and suffocated, they are free.

✱

when doyoung and yuta show up to school the following week with matching dyed pink hair and their fingers interlocked as they walk through the hallways, it's a sight that easily catches other students' attention. 

in calculus, yuta and doyoung are too busy fantasizing about date ideas to see chenle slip taeyong 20,000 won. "okay fine. i guess you were right." 

"i'm always right. didn't i tell you i could sense sexual tension?" taeyong slides down in his chair, his mouth tugging a suggestive smirk as he motions to the two boys next to them at the table. "i love bets. everyone loves a good bet." he sighs out, perfectly content.


End file.
